Growing up, I was blessed with well-educated and cultured parents who devoted their lives to my education and success. With their support, I got good grades in school and was able to achieve what I went after. I was resilient in the face of challenging situations in my life. Despite these blessings and my parents’ efforts to raise a well-rounded person, as an adult I suffered from low self-esteem, which became an obstacle in many areas of my life.

It was not until my thirties that I discovered I had forgotten my true identity and let my parents’ blueprint for me muddle my sense of who I really was and what I believed in. I recognized that, when I was continuously pursuing perfection to please my parents, when I was trying to become a superwoman by handling more responsibilities than I could handle, and when I labeled myself as “tough,” “naive,” “a good girl” or “not street smart”, I was left feeling that I wasn’t doing enough to be someone who I was supposed to be. Still, I tried even harder, thinking that somehow I would get to make a “win-win” for everyone and everything, which led to more disappointment and exhaustion.

Through my journey to reclaim my own identity, I learned that I needed to make changes to get back on the right track to feel empowered and confident. Thus, I assembled the following tips, which I have put into practice in my own life, to help advise parents on how they can contribute to the development of a child’s positive identity and help promote his or her self-esteem.

1. Accept your children for who they are.

Do not expect them to be perfect and to be good at everything. Allow them to learn from mistakes, failures and disappointment. Stop criticizing them every time they make mistakes. Mistakes are lessons in disguise to learn and grow.

2. Be kind and gentle to your children.

Children are your most precious asset and valuable investment in society, aren’t they? Show love and affection to your child. A child who grows up with love and affection will get a subconscious feeling that he is worthy and important enough to be loved as an adult. Make them feel special and unique.

3. Celebrate their achievements.

Reward the good choice a child has made and encourage him or her to make the right choice again next time. Give compliments often and honestly, but without overdoing it. Tell your children how proud you are when you see them putting effort toward something or trying something at which they previously failed.

4. Help them to set realistic goals that are attainable.

Once a child reaches a goal, compliment that achievement. Give positive feedback for reinforcement, so that you can get the most out of a child’s strengths without demanding unrealistic results. Transform failure into feedback. Help children figure out their strengths and weaknesses. Rather than focusing on their weaknesses, you can acknowledge when things are difficult and show them you are always there for them.

5. Stop comparing children to others and do not allow them to compare themselves to others.

Other people’s opinion of your children is not as important as the opinion they have of themselves. The key to their happiness and confidence is their ability to focus on seeing the best in themselves. If they are able to trust their ability to cope with a situation in the best way possible, others’ opinions won’t cloud their self-image. People with positive self image do not need to determine their self worth by comparing themselves to others, either, whether publicly or in their own minds.

6. Allow children to be able to be vulnerable and authentic.

Encourage your children to stand up for themselves and what they believe in. Assure them it is okay to be honest about their fears and challenges and listen openly to their concerns. Let them express their feelings comfortably, and validate them. Tell them that their feelings and needs are important. You will encourage your children to develop a strong sense of identity and help to boost their self-worth by accepting their feelings, which are, after all, a reflection of them.

7. Encourage them to choose friends and other people they let in their lives wisely.

Negativity breeds negativity. Children’s values and self-image are affected by people of significance in their lives. Help your children to socialize with positive people who encourage them and are happy for their accomplishments instead of being jealous of them or knocking them down.

8. Work on your own self esteem, and get a clear idea of who you are and what your values are.

If you are excessively harsh on yourself, pessimistic or unrealistic about your abilities and limitations, your children might eventually mirror you. Nurture your own self image and they will have a great role model. It’s important for parents to identify their children’s irrational beliefs about themselves, whether they are about perfection, attractiveness, ability or anything else. Parents who have a negative self image will have difficulties bringing up a child with healthy self esteem. A good positive parent is a parent who knows that they are not perfect but values themselves while always doing the best they can.

9. Lose labels.

Every child searches for an identity while growing up. When that identity is found, a child clings to it like a trademark. Labeling isn’t always a cause for concern but it can be dangerous. Labels are mere assumptions which may not be true at all.

10. Give children assignments that they can handle and offer them the opportunity to make choices.

Reward your children with compliments and incentives when they have done a job well. It is a great way for them to learn responsibility and independence, which improves self-worth and self esteem.